Catholic Communion Mini-Review

I can’t properly review a Catholic communion because I’m not a believer, and if I did take communion, it would really irritate the Catholics.  More than irritate them, it would be a violation of holy law, so it would likely deeply offend them.

Now, I don’t mind irritating people, or even offending them, but only when they deserve it.   They don’t deserve it, so unless and until I start believing in saints, I’m never going to taste Catholic Jesus.

Fortunately, there’s a solution at hand.  A nice Catholic named Tarah has sent me a review!  And I can pass it on to you.  Here it is:

Catholic Jesus doesn’t taste that great. It’s a whole wheat wafer. The wine isn’t that tasty either; it’s box Gallo, probably. Go eat a Carr’s water cracker and some Franzia that’s been sitting out for an hour. I’m telling you this, because out of all the churches you were at, a Catholic church is probably the single one at which you would most hurt some feels if you eat and drink some Jesus if you aren’t Catholic.  Do as you see fit; it’s not going to change the state of your soul or mine, bro. Just saying. I wouldn’t go out of your way for the culinary experience. There’s not even any brie.

Thanks Tarah!


10 thoughts on “Catholic Communion Mini-Review

  1. On my mission to Rome, I went to Mass with a kind woman named Maria who would let us come to her house and teach her. When it was time or communion she got up, and so did we, then she said, “you shouldn’t take it unless you’re baptized”.

    I had never heard that before, and I had been baptized (just not as a catholic). In the LDS church the sacrament (equivalent to communion) is also only for baptized members but we don’t believe that it carries any negative consequences if you’re not baptized and it is anything but offensive. Heck, we’re just glad to have a visitor!

    I also met two young priest-to-be(s) and they had mentioned that the catholic church now accepts the orthodox baptism and many protestant baptisms. I asked them that if the catholic church were true, would I get into catholic heaven with a mormon baptism? They asked I had been baptized in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost. I said, “Yes, I have!” Then they said, “Well, if you believe in the trinity [that those three are the same being] then yes you’ll probably make it into catholic heaven”.

    I was bummed. I just wanted to be included! The pope has now come out saying that Atheists will make it into catholic heaven. This is good news. I think that means I’ve been absolved by papal authority; and I think pope francis is a decent guy!

    Mormons believe in being baptized by proxy in behalf of their own deceased ancestors (we’d also baptize the world if it didn’t cause controversy), in order to allow our unbaptized ancestors (and the world, I guess) entrance into mormon heaven (which I hear is really a blast!).

    If the catholic church doesn’t want to accept my baptism, the least they could do is have some baptized by proxy in my behalf, so I can get into catholic heaven. I mean, it’s a very decent thing to do if you believe that it will make a difference in someone’s posthumous life.

    1st Corinthians 15:29

    • Whoops how did this not show up?

      1st Corinthians 15:29
      “Else what shall they do which are abaptized for the dead, if the dead rise not at all? why are they then baptized for the dead?”

      • I like the new Pope too! It’s his fault that I’m doing this at all, in fact. It was his comment about atheists that got me thinking about doing this in the first place!

  2. Also you need to make sure the water cracker is not only stale but sized to exactly fit into the roof of your mouth so on the walk from altar to pew it is completely stuck there.

    As Catholics we don’t believe in a “Catholic heaven” there’s just the one. Everybody who is nice gets in.

    • Lol, I like to say Catholic Heaven and such because it just sounds so entertaining. I just like to imagine it that there’s a catholic heaven and a Mormon heaven and a Lutheren Heaven. OMGoodness it just makes me laugh and smile non stop! 🙂

      But really, Pope Francis (Papa Francesco) is really an inspiring leader and I have a lot of respect for him. I think that in the end love and respect of your fellow man (and woman) is what scores the points. Papa Francesco is super inspiring. I’ve ridden those busses in Rome every day and He rides them just like normal folk. They are hot and smelly, but riding the bus is always fun.

      In comparison to Pope Francis’ remarks about salvation for atheists, we mormons do not believe that atheists go to hell. We believe that in the end, you choose where you want to go regardless of your beliefs held on this earth. We believe in three heavens, and a hell for people who decide that none of the three heavenly options suits them.

      Granted that’s a broad explanation, but yes, Pope Francis is right that God doesn’t hold it against anyone for not believing in Him.

      • There’s a little more to it than that, though, right? I mean, since I’m an atheist, if I don’t get baptized and don’t accept Jesus, then I’m stuck in the lowest, “Telestial” realm, and can’t hang out in the Terrestrial or Celestial realms. Or am I mistaken?

  3. It’s a bit more complicated. According to Joseph Smith :

    “”…as man judges his fellow man by law, and punishes him according to the penalty of the law, so does God of heaven judge ‘according to the deeds done in the body.’ [See Alma 5:15.] To say that the heathens would be damned because they did not believe the Gospel would be preposterous, and to say that the Jews would all be damned that do not believe in Jesus would be equally absurd; for ‘how can they believe on him of whom they have not heard, and how can they hear without a preacher, and how can he preach except he be sent’ [see Romans 10:14–15]; consequently neither Jew nor heathen can be culpable for rejecting the conflicting opinions of sectarianism, nor for rejecting any testimony but that which is sent of God, for as the preacher cannot preach except he be sent, so the hearer cannot believe [except] he hear a ‘sent’ preacher, and cannot be condemned for what he has not heard, and being without law, will have to be judged without law.” (See

    Heavenly Father want’s as many of his children to make it home as are willing to come. Every person will have the opportunity, either in this life or in the next, to hear and completely understand the Plan of Salvation and accept or reject it. It’s for this purpose that we build temples. Because the ordinances, including baptism, pertain to this stage of existence we perform them on behalf of those who no longer have the opportunity (i.e. the dead). This imposes no obligation, again each person may choose to accept or reject the opportunity the ordinance represents.

    Regarding Membership, I’ve heard this warning given several times in different ways:
    Matt 7
    21 ¶Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.

    22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?

    23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.”

    “In either the apocalyptic sense or the historical sense, individual orientation to the Church of the Lamb or to the great and abominable church is not by membership but by loyalty. Just as there Latter-day Saints who belong to the great and abominable church because of their loyalty to Satan and his life-style, so there are members of other churches who belong to the Lamb because of their loyalty to him and his life-style. Membership is based more on who has your heart than on who has your records.” (

    Which Kingdom one gets to hang in is much more dependent on how we treat others and what kind of person we chose to be than when we accept the opportunity to receive the ordinances. The Question is: Have we chosen to be the kind of person that would enjoy being in the company of Celestial People?

    Given what I’ve read of the things you place importance on in your evaluation of the teaching, the evaluations themselves, and the way I’ve watched you respond to the comments here I’d say your chances are at least as good as anyone’s of making the cut, and better than most. 🙂

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